Wednesday, October 26, 2011

On True Love and Sacrifice

It has been my pleasure to have met, known, and loved Tiffany Higgins. Let me back up and though, and tell you about a tragically beautiful story that involves yours truly, and this amazing Woman.
Coming into this semester, I knew that i would be tested, tried, and that i would also receive help. I was reminded of the line in my patriarchal blessing which stated that i would be given guidance in the selection of an eternal companion. i came into this semester expecting to not really give anyone the time of day, and just focus on my studies. And then one day, probably the second day of Social Dance 280, we were instructed to cross the great divide and ask a young lady to dance. I had my eye on a girl, and as i was walking over to ask her, my gaze suddenly shifted to a different girl, who then drew my attention wholly, and i ended up asking her to dance. She was polite, and accepted the offer, and turned out to be a great dancer. i myself am nothing special, but i DO know a good dancer when i see one. She was a good dancer. After that class, I asked her if she wanted to go to latin night later that week, with me, and she consented. I got her number, and then began texting her. As it turned out, my plan fell through, as she remembered some plans previously made, which she had forgotten about. I didnt mind too much, it was an honest mistake, and hey i didnt really feel like getting my cha-cha on that night anyway. so then a whole week goes by, and i see her in class a few times, and decide that i really must get to know this girl. so That friday night, me and the roommates went to a party, which was really not that great, but i began texting tiffany. She was by herself, and wandering around campus. I went out to meet her, and we had a pleasant walk and talk around campus and close to where she lived, which as it turns out, wasnt far from where i lived. This first meeting turned into the beginning of something that i will never forget. I immediately, upon getting dropped off suggested that we do dinner the following night, Which she immediately accepted, to my utter satisfaction. I could hardly wait for church to get over the next day. I waited and waited. Granted, i shouldn't have been so eager for church to be over, but i was, and when i got home, and realized that there was still 2 hours before we were supposed to get together. I sent her a text, that said she could come now if she wanted, and she did. That night, we made spaghetti and garlic bread, and it was great. We finished the night with a walk, and a movie. From that night on, we have been together every day. It took only another few days for us to realize that we needed each other. I thought this was the beginning of something very good, and then she told me about her missionary. She had already been engaged once while he was gone, but had since broken it off, and after much prayer, decided that she needed to wait for this missionary to come home, and see what would happen. Somehow, I knew that I would never Be with tiffany permanently.
2 weeks into this relationship, we both realized, with some trepidation, that we were falling in love. For me, it was way too fast and hard, but in all honesty, i loved everything about her. And at this time, we both finally acknowledged it. We had no idea what to do. Now, i know this sounds like puppy love, or something else, but let me explain exactly what was going on. Those of you who have been, or are, truly in love, know that real love means that you're willing to do and sacrifice anything. ANYTHING for that significant other. Well that's what i felt. I knew that she would ultimately be happier with her missionary, and even though i knew that my heart would be ripped out and then placed in a blender, that was, and is, ok. Because she was going to be happy. sound crazy? Maybe. But for me, it was both scary, and liberating. So THIS is what love is supposed to feel like? Well, if this is what it's supposed to feel like, sign me up. I know i'm going to be hurt. And i know that i'll be devastated. But if i can feel like this all the time, I want it. I need it.
Now, words are cheap. I dont know how many times i've said this before to other girls. And while it was true to some extent, i knew that if it came right down to it, it, i really wouldn't do anything and everything to make me happy. There was always the "me" aspect of things. Why could i never mean it before? I dont know, but this time, i meant it for real. And she kind of scared me when she said, "I know." She indicated that so many guys had said that to her before, but she always knew they were lying, but when i said it, she said she could feel it, that it was real, that i meant it. I've heard it from a few girls myself, and i realized that there had been something missing those times. This time, when Tiffany said, "I love you, and I'll do anything for you." I knew she meant it. sincerity. it was real. And this is what it was like to be loved?! for real?! how did i ever live before? this incredible feeling of being truly loved, was almost more than i could stand. Will this really have to end? Really?
It does. Eventually, and probably sooner, rather than later, it'll end, and i'll have to find someone else. But why you ask? why not fight for her? because there's a plan. God answered my prayers, and he answered her prayers too. And she needs her missionary in the long run. So if i truly want to be happy, i have to let her go, right? Right. So, to be completely cliche, I'm letting her go because i Love her. But She'll remain my best friend. She has taught me so much, and i've changed so much. You know you're in love when you decide that you need change so that you're worthy of the person you're falling in love with. That happened to me. She never once has asked me to change. But i realized that there were lots of changes i needed to make, and i proceeded to make them. They say it takes 2 weeks to form a habit. I've done it. Twice. My mom always asks if gospel discussions happen ever. I love that about my mom. But it's true. I love talking about the Gospel, and its kinda weird when i can't talk about it with a girl i'm interested in. But in this case, it comes up frequently, and we talk about anything and everything. I love that we can have spiritual experiences and conversations together.
So what's the bottom line? The bottom line is this: I Fell in Love with an amazing woman who has taught me, inspired me, and helped me become who i want to be. But She needs someone else, and so, here i am, still with her, but ready to let her go so she can be happy. Does it hurt? Of course. Is it worth it? Definitely. I now have a standard. I know how love is supposed to work now. So now, i will never be able to settle for less. Thank you Tiffany, for teaching me how to love.